The last two days I have been dealing with my car not starting in the freezing temperatures. This caused me to be late to work one day and needing to be driven to work by my parents both days. It is in moments like this that I am able to see how far I have come. In moments of being challenged like this, especially with my car, I can see the drastic differences in my reaction from only a couple of months ago.
I didn’t have a meltdown, not one. I didn’t overreact, I didn’t even cry. I really didn’t even get very angry, either. I was mostly calm. My car didn’t even try to start when it was negative twelve degrees outside. It’s not my car’s fault, though; it’s mine.
Because of my past life and past mistakes, I am still dealing with the consequences of two duis, unfortunately. I carry a lot of shame, regret, embarrassment, and anger around this, but it seems to help when I talk about it. I spent the first two years of this whole ordeal hiding it all, and that literally drove me crazy.
I have an interlock device in my car that can’t come out until the end of the year. It causes a lot of problems with the battery of my new enough car and in the cold weather it won’t start sometimes. I let the car sit for too long without driving it and the temperatures below zero this weekend didn’t help.
I tried to go to work yesterday morning, after insisting to my mother that it would be fine, and it wouldn’t even try to start. The lights on the dashboard flashed all crazy at me and shut off.
I called my mom, and she brought me to work. After I got home and jumped the car, drove it, and shut it off, it wouldn’t turn back on again; because of the device. I tried all but one of the usual tricks, like charging the battery, and nothing worked.
It was after dark at this point and my fingers were going numb, so I gave in and called my mom to ask for another ride to work in the morning because I couldn’t get the device to work.
Today my dad brought me home from work so he could try to help with my car. I still couldn’t get it to work, but I still didn’t have a meltdown. I was proud of myself.
I am proud of myself because I handled the situation well, like an adult, an emotionally mature adult. I wasn’t freaking out; I wasn’t snapping at anyone; I wasn’t even crying or on the verge of it. I just kept my cool and kept dealing with it.
With my dad’s help, I did end up fixing it. Through this process, I even jumped a car by myself for the first time. When I put my half of the cords on today with my dad, he said “good job.” I was proud of myself.
Being proud of myself is a weird feeling that I am not used to. It’s like there is this weird sense of guilt or shame attached to it for some reason. As though I can’t be proud of myself without being embarrassed about it. I don’t remember very many times in recent history when I was have been proud of myself, outside of my sobriety.
I am proud of myself today, though. I am proud of myself for really not even veering toward losing control today. I didn’t even feel like I was teetering on the edge; I was a safe distance away. What I think I felt was control. I was in control of the situation, even if I wasn’t getting the outcome I wanted yet. I kept trying. When I would have given up before, I kept trying different things until it worked.
I used to give up easily. It would take just the slightest push-back to cause me to throw my hands up in the air and give up, probably with tears. I couldn’t take it. I literally could not handle being challenged. Pushing myself or challenging myself or trying to handle a tough situation required more than I had to give.
Yet if I hadn’t pushed myself or worked through challenges, I wouldn’t be here where I am today. This journey has been full of challenges, big and small, and I keep coming out of them on my feet to keep moving forward.
While the ordeal with my car was an inconvenience not only to myself but to my parents who helped me, I think that I am actually able to find a bit of gratitude for the situation. Because I am still dealing with the consequences of my poor decisions from three to five years ago, I have a hard time recognizing how much I have grown. Sometimes I can only see where I am still being held back.
So my car not starting for almost two days was certainly annoying, but it gave me an opportunity to see how well I am able to manage a difficult situation. This situation has happened numerous times to me already and a lot of those ended in complete meltdowns. I would not manage myself or my emotions well, and I would even take my anger out on those around me. I couldn’t deal with the guilt or shame from the consequences of my actions and when those consequences worsened themselves to my car not starting, I would fall apart. My reactions this weekend show a lot of growth in this area.
This situation also gave me the opportunity again to consider how lucky I am to have parents that are still supportive of me, who still help me when I need it. This weekend could have been an even bigger challenge if I didn’t have them coming to my side when I called. This was another moment when I was so grateful for them and all they do for me. It was a reminder of how I might not be as far along as I am if I didn’t have my parents supporting me along the way.
This weekend was both a reminder to appreciate myself and those around me more. It was a reminder of how far I have come in this whole journey, this whole healing process. It helped me to be proud of myself, and that I am grateful for.
Brittany Netzband 