If there is one thing that I have been really good at my whole life, it is sabotaging myself. For as long as I can remember, I have struggled with self-sabotaging behaviors.
Self-sabotage is when we do certain behaviors that were adaptive in a former context, such as during childhood or a traumatic or stressful situation. These behaviors are no longer necessary or helpful. They are detrimental to our own success and well-being. These behaviors can create problems in daily life, interfering with long-standing goals.
Unchecked self-sabotaging behaviors can destroy us physically, mentally, or emotionally. They can discourage us and lead to disappointment. These behaviors can be conscious or unconscious, obvious or subtle. We may not even realize we are acting out self-sabotaging behaviors, we may be too busy pointing our finger in every direction to assert blame anywhere outside of ourselves for the current state of our lives.
Self-sabotaging behaviors can look like procrastination, blaming others, picking fights, or putting yourself down. It can look like self-harming, comfort or binge-eating, or self-medicating with drugs or alcohol.
I take part in many self-sabotaging behaviors regularly. I procrastinate, I binge-eat, I put myself down. I used to self-medicate with alcohol. I used to date people who were all wrong for me, over and over again. I used to blow my money on material things or a night out instead of paying my bills. I still waste time avoiding, scrolling on my phone, or numbing out to a Netflix binge.
I feel like I am caught in these cycles of self-destruction and I can’t find my way out. I have been caught in these cycles for years. It’s all the same cycle of self-sabotage, just different details. I fuck myself over and set myself up for failure and disappointment, again and again.
It has been over a decade of allowing ungrounded fears to hold me back and paralyze me in a life of regret. I don’t understand it because I believe that I want nothing more than to change. I want a different life – yet some part of me is holding on and refusing to let me move forward. Why?
Am I just afraid of change? Am I afraid of failure? Am I afraid of what would happen if I actually were to be successful? What is it that I am avoiding or trying to protect myself from?
I guess there could be a whole list of reasons why, depending on the situation and the behavior. I could be acting out these behaviors, setting myself up for failure, just to prove what I have been saying all along – that I am worthless, that I am not capable, that I am stupid, etc. Setting myself up for failure before I even try could be my way of protecting myself from anticipated embarrassment down the road.
I want to be successful. I want to live a life that I am proud of, accomplish things I am proud of, but there is this voice in my head running her mouth about how that will never happen. Yet I am wasting all of my time and energy procrastinating, binging something, or putting myself down.
I have recognized that there is a problem that is thwarting my progress, but now what? I have identified self-sabotaging behaviors but now I have to search for why. Why am I acting out these behaviors that are contradictory to my goals and values?
Can I dive deeper and look for what is happening in my environment around me before I engage in these behaviors? What was I doing? What was I thinking about? What was I feeling? How does this relate to my goals or the behavior?
To uncover harmful thought patterns and behaviors it is helpful to take note and observe when feeling a distressing emotion. Paying attention and looking inward can help shed light on the triggers of these behaviors. Discover the trigger and explore whether there is an unmet need or a fear that could be addressed. Addressing this and replacing the behavior with a healthier one could lead toward a changed life.
I have also learned that it is more helpful to embrace improvements, rather than elimination. Celebrating the success of adding in the healthy behaviors is more beneficial than the elimination of self-sabotaging behaviors.
I believe this is because I can add in healthier behaviors, while still doing some of the self-sabotaging behaviors sometimes and still see how I have improved. Because even though I still slip up and engage in those self-destructive behaviors I am still doing better than I was yesterday because I have added in healthier behaviors like practicing yoga and adhering to a cleaning schedule – both of which help me feel better overall.
I have to remind myself often that change doesn’t happen overnight, it happens one decision at a time. I have been at this for a couple of years, but I am working to change over a decade’s worth of ingrained behaviors and habits and that takes time, and patience.
Self-sabotaging behaviors can be eliminated once they are identified as such. We can discover their triggers and be prepared with a plan or a healthier replacement behavior before engaging in the self-sabotaging behavior. We can jump off the vicious cycle of self-destruction and change our lives if we actively choose to.
Brittany Netzband 